The Wizened Old Woman

The Goal:
Live, Love, Laugh and Have Fun!

The feeling first hit when I was about 23 and snapped my anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) while playing rugby. One second I was running up the field at a breakneck pace, a quick lunge; and the next I was lying on the ground with a dislocated knee. Surgery and 3 months on crutches fixed my knee, but I could never regain the fearlessness I once had. Oh, I tried. My attempts resulted in another ACL reconstruction surgery; but this time on the other knee. For the first time I knew, without a doubt, there were things I couldn't do, aspirations that were beyond my reach, and I was afraid.

Soon, I would know that same fear more intimately than I wanted to. This time I was afraid for one of the most important people in my life, my mom. She was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo rigorous, debilitating and life-threatening chemotherapy treatment. Mom was too young to be seriously sick. I was too young to face the rest of my life without my nurturing and supportive mom. 51 wasn't old. 28 wasn't old. We had so much more to experience together. I couldn't imagine facing motherhood and all the upcoming challenges in my life without having my mom to share them with. For the first time I realized that Mom may need me, and that maybe I couldn't lean on her, and I was afraid.


Not long after, the same feeling hit me. I was shocked to hear that a friend of mine almost died from heart failure while at work. His colleague administered CPR until the ambulance came and saved his life. I called him to express my concern. In my eyes, he was too young to have experienced this; he was still just a babe. His experience was unthinkable to me, a long and fruitful life was still ahead of us. His perspective was different. He said, "You know, Colleen, we're getting old!", "We're not the kids we once were." I understood where he was coming from but I couldn't buy into his opinion. 30 wasn't old, or was it? Imagining that this life I was just learning to live could be nearing an end made me afraid.

In one of those rare quiet moments I laid with my young son. He quietly studied my face with his eyes, the corners of his lips upturned in a tiny smile. For what seemed an eternity we stared into each others eyes, his tiny hand would reach up and brush my cheek or touch my hair. He was 3 months old. I was taken aback by his curiosity, his interest in me, and the unwavering trust he had in me. Waves of emotion hit me as I began to understand the important role I would play in my son's life. I was afraid.

I'm not a world class athlete, but my knees are strong. I'll never play rugby again but I'm still active and I run, just not too far or too fast. Mom recovered and has been cancer-free for seven years. We talk most days and she loves her grandchildren. I've lost touch with my friend but he is married with children, and undoubtedly has adapted his life to suit his health concerns. While being a mother still makes me afraid at times, I've come to terms with the level of responsibility this role requires. I fought it for a long time but looking back I realize these key events helped to propel me into adulthood. They helped me to recognize my limitations, my blessings, my mortality and my responsibilities. Although I would love to get a taste of the freedom and recklessness I experienced in youth, I would never give up the experiences I've had since then.

Last week, fully in jest, I was a victim of agism. One of the twenty-something girls I play volleyball with called me 'old'. Her exact words were, "Oh, it's OK if she doesn't come out with us later, she has an excuse, she's OLD." I couldn't believe she called me OLD! I wasn't old, OLD was 70 or 80!

But then again, maybe I am old, and maybe that's a good thing. While I'm not happy half my life is behind me, I fully intend to leverage my learning from the first half to make the most of the second!

Which brings me back to the goal:

Live, Love, Laugh and Have Fun

All the more reasons why I need to keep my focus!